


Duarum Mentium – Two Minds

by justsimplymeagain



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, M/M, Mentions of Benny, Mentions of Lisa and Ben, Self-Harm, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 11:11:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/560400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsimplymeagain/pseuds/justsimplymeagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even Dean had to admit that it was time they grow up a bit especially after another argument that caused Dean to have to leave the room for Sam's safety. Dean explained his anger issues after Hell, and how he took care of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Duarum Mentium – Two Minds

Dean wasn't one to preach, and he was much less the kind of guy that would open up to just about anyone. In fact, the general public would get a carefully placed fabrication of who he is and what's going on. His Dad taught him how to do it when he was alive and Sammy hasn't yet run away to become some collage boy who spews foul tasting lies of normalcy.

Back then, up to a year ago Dean would come up with pop culture references to fit in to use to explain things and get things across. For his own amusement and at times to drive people away from digging too far into a subject he wasn't going to touch on if he could help it. He would firmly believe in what he was doing and yet be so tired that he could almost quite. Almost hang up his guns and leave the life.

He never did.

But things got so bad, so horribly wrong. He lost another link to him that makes him human. Someone who kept him sane and someone who understood without words because that was what Fathers did. And Bobby, he was the best version of Father he could think of. And deep down, better then his Dad. If it was several years ago, Dean would feel guilty and torn about that. But now he mostly feels numb and it's tragic.

Two or so years ago, he had a normal life. Two or so years ago he lost a brother.

He loved Lisa and he loved Ben. But he didn't exist to them anymore, he was erased. And that hurt, but he got past it taking on damage along the way.

Always more damage. From the Apocalypse that never happened and being used in such ways. Who could blame him for nearly giving up because of how damaged he was, well Cas got mad at him and beat the crap out of him. Castiel was too far into his own agony of losing everything that he forgot that so did everyone else. So did Dean, just not in a physical sense. His few connections with people were either dead because that person was dead or damaged from all the trauma during the whole breaking the sixty six seals situations. So could you blame Dean for wanting to hang in the towel. Castiel did. But he got past that, considered the angel a friend. To a point.

All in all, Dean was damaged goods.

Things were worse for that after Purgatory.

Things were missing in him after Purgatory and he couldn't draw connections with normal activities like he used to be able to. He can't go to a store without worrying or watching his back. There's new cereal brands on the store's shelves that he can't recognize. Everything just seemed so different, so far in the grey that Dean swears he'd lose his head if it wasn't attached already.

The situation with Benny and Sam wasn't helping. Sam couldn't understand how this wasn't a situation like Sam's was with Ruby. He wasn't drinking vampire blood and he knows that Benny wasn't manipulating him to break seals. Yes he didn't tell Sam right away, so sue him. It's not like he's going to choose Benny over Sam like Sam chose Ruby over him.

And Benny didn't abandon him when they became allies. Sam did when Dean disappeared. Got himself a girl, a dog. Dean did understand where Sam was coming from, he really did. It can't take away the hurt though. And it definitely wasn't taking away from the mixed feelings or emotional scars that always get hit during arguments like the one he just had with Sam.

Again.

Dean left the room, because he was getting beyond mad at this point. And he hated that he could get this angry at Sam. His little brother, his baby brother who was his responsibility. So it may make Dean look like a bigger ass by walking out and making snap comments over his shoulder. But this was for Sam's protection.

Closing his eyes he could remember what he did before he walked out on Sam.

_The argument was practically a repeat of the one they had since Dean got back from Purgatory and found out that Sam didn't look for him. Didn't even try. It hurt, because after Dean went to Hell Sam looked knowing he was dead. This time there was no body, so who's to say he was dead. There was more of a chance of him being alive then the time he went to Hell. Surely Sam would have realized that?!_

_But he didn't._

_He didn't._

_And now, now Sam had the audacity to bring up Lisa and Ben. Throwing in his face the fact that for an entire year Dean was living the apple-pie life with her while Sam was soulless and his soul was being tortured by a Fallen angel or two._

_Dean snapped, he got so mad that he saw red and the next moment Sam was on the ground between both beds. Looking shocked and like a kicked puppy. Dean however was just as shocked and..._

_Murderous._

There was problems he never touched on since he was raised from Hell by Castiel. And one of them was what happened when he got into a fit of rage. And for good reasons.

Dean rented another hotel room in another hotel that was down the block from where he and Sam were staying. He left a text on Sam's phone explaining to Sam that he didn't mean to get that mad and that he was sorry. Which was unusual for Dean to simply come out and apologize like that. He usually preferred the silent approach using actions to speak louder then words.

But even Dean had to admit that it was time they grow up a bit and actually hold a chick flick moment. Especially after how he reacted before he left.

Right now though, Dean was too mad and his vision was blurred by his rage.

In the hotel room he rented for a few hours he couldn't help but scoff at the disgusting appearance of the room. It was cleaned, he could smell the cheap deodorizer but the room looked out of date and wallpaper was coming off the wall. Who used wallpaper these days anyway?

Dean found his way to the bathroom sink and looked into the mirror.

And for a moment, for a moment he saw Alastair.

Smiling back at him in his twisted visage he looked like in Hell.

An appearance he came to admire. And with that knowledge Dean felt like his last meal was going to come up the way it went down. Shame and disgust settled in his stomach making the world spin and his rage to boil even worse then before. Rage at Sam for not getting him out of Purgatory before he let himself touch on his killer instincts like he did down there, impressed Benny but Benny didn't understand the root cause of his own silent blood-lust. Benny had his own to deal with because of what he was. And he rage against himself.

Cas understood though. But they didn't have any chances to speak of it or acknowledge it with monsters at their heels and a small team to get working together. A human. A fallen angel. A vampire.

Closing his eyes he tried to reign himself in and get control of himself. But he was angry. He needed to calm down. Sometimes when he was this angry he would get drunk, start a fight maybe. But after Purgatory he can't relax in social settings even worse now then before. So drinking was out. And he needed a sober mind to protect himself. To protect Sam. To close the gates to Hell with Kevin's help.

But being sober left him open to these moments when his anger borderlines rage. And he isn't standing in a hotel room anymore. He's not in front of a mirror leaning against an old and worn out looking sink.

But in Hell. In front of a rack. If he listened closely the sounds of vehicles outside morphs into the sounds of agony, screams and twisted pleasure. If he listened carefully he could hear his old Master's words whispering into his ears. Suggestions of what he should do next. Cut the tendons or find the nerves. Or maybe the insides, string them up as a twisted form of Christmas decorations.

Alastair loved to turn everything that was ever good to Dean bad or wrong or darker then it should have been.

And Dean near the end of his time there, thrived on it. Begged for more of it. Wanted more of it. Alastair was always generous to him and gave him what he wanted. Always. Dean was the favorite. Meg was jealous, other students were envious.

Dean was angry.

Opening his eyes he could see that it was clearly the hotel room even though he could see the ghost images of Hell behind him in the reflection. When he first got back, he would scramble away from images like that. Now he endures them because that's all he can do.

Looking through his jacket he found what he wanted, a small pocket knife that was incredibly sharp. He sharpened it himself. He hasn't done something like this since before he was with Lisa and Ben. She saw the old marks and looked incredibly sad about it, he didn't want to weigh her down with new marks so he stopped and found other ways of taking it out. She didn't bother him when he isolated himself in their room. Ben learnt not to do that either. He never got mad at the boy, he tried to be as understanding as he could.

But...

This time around Dean couldn't find another way of reigning himself in when he still feels his limbs vibrating in his anger. So he discarded his pants, discovering his legs to be the best place because no one sees what he does there unless he was getting intimate with someone. And he hasn't had that since well, Lisa.

Sometimes he toyed with the idea of Castiel in his mind. But those always get corrupted by memories of being with Alastair in Hell and as time goes by Castiel's betrayals and Dean's own pain. So those thoughts, they never lasted long if Dean could help it.

Sitting on the toilet seat with a towel underneath him Dean simply carved thin shallow lines into his inner thighs and the front of his upper legs. Enough to have a steady line of red. There had to be red, if there wasn't then it wouldn't be enough. It stung, but the pain wasn't as horrible as Dean could make it. Just enough to get his mind off of things.

Just enough to calm down.

Maybe he could figure out a way to find another way of calming down... Maybe...

Dean let his mind slip away and listened as the sounds of Hell slowly turned back to the sounds of vehicles, dogs barking and loud laughter and chatting from others who are staying at this hotel or using it to relieve tension with a paid partner or secret partner. Dean couldn't bring himself to care all that much, unless the sounds of fighting catch his attention. Those are the times he tends to interfere. He wasn't that heartless to ignore something like that.

By the time he fully calmed down two hours has passed and Dean can no longer see red. His legs however had crisscrosses of red lines. Cleaning them he simply pulled up his pants and boxers before leaving a bloodied towel behind as he exited the hotel room just as the manager was coming his way to kick him out of the room.

Dean took care of that quickly enough as he passed the shorter tubby man in the hallway.

He had to now take care of the situation with Sam. He had to fix things with his brother. He just had to.

As he approached the hotel he was staying at with Sam he notes that the Impala was still there. The light was still on in the hotel room. With a deep breath he approached the room and used the extra key to get in. Sam was still there and instantly stood up when he entered the room.

Puppy dog eyes on full blast. Dean really didn't like when those eyes are used on him, he could rarely say no to Sam then.

“Dean...” Sam started, though Dean didn't let him carry on as he held up a hand.

“I know.” Dean forced out as he closed the door behind him. Making sure the extra lock was on like they usually do when they both were in the room. Sam instantly closed his mouth, somehow the kid knew what probably was going to happen next. If he didn't he probably had a good educated guess.

“Got your text.” Sam stated as he sat down at the table, Dean took the other side and sat down. He wished he had a beer for this, but it was best to stay sober.

“Ya...” Dean acknowledged. Sam closed his laptop, a clear sign that Dean had his complete attention. Dean hated that, but he'll deal with it. He has to. Things had to be said, Dean has to grow up and give his brother the truth about everything like Sam does for Dean nine times out of ten. It was high time he followed his own preaching about that and do it.

With a breath Dean calmly said,  
“You want the truth Sammy? All of it. Purgatory, Hell.” A nod, Sam wants to know and now looked both eager and anxious about what he's going to hear. Like Dean figured. Dean continued, “Okay. I can't promise it'll make sense. If anything it'll come across as rambling okay. I'll tell you everything I can stomach saying and Sam, it's not going to be pretty. It's going to be wrong, twisted and evil. But don't say anything until I'm finished okay.”

“Okay... Dean I...” Sam started, his tone sickening in how honest and understanding it was. It almost made Dean reconsider.

“Sam.” Dean pushed, they needed this. Dean knows this. It was high time they fixed things.

With a breath in and out Dean started to explain Hell first. It happened first. He didn't make eye contact with Sam while he spoke, he wasn't strong enough for that.

He told him how at first he was cocky, thinking he could take torture because there was times he was tortured topside before Hell. So he figured he could take it. He told Sam how he was quickly taught that torture was a kind word in Hell compared to what there was, torture and torment are equivalent to paper cuts and scraps on your knees in Hell. Things were far worse then what he expected. Ruby was only sugar coating their conversation, he knows that now.

He told about after 25 years he was a whimpering mass of flesh that was trying to hold out as best that he could. Cowering away from demons and even other souls. How he was angry too. So very angry and nothing to do about it, so it got pushed beneath his pain and hopelessness.

He told Sam about the thirtieth year when he finally snapped for good and said that horrible word 'yes' to coming off the rack and torturing souls as he was tortured. How he felt like a weak child who could barely stand on his own legs without the demons help. And help him Alastair did.

Dean had to get up and puke a few times as he explained, and Sam looked awfully pale. The worst was yet to come. He hoped Sam would let him finish. Especially now that the floodgates were open.

Dean fetched them both water bottles because that's all they had in the room at the moment.

Sam urged him to continue, voice weaker then what it was when they started. Dean hated to hear that weakness and know it's his fault. But he nodded in agreement.

Telling Sam about the ten years he was a student of Alastair's. How he learnt how the body ticked better then most doctors on earth when it comes to making the body tick in both pleasure and pain. He didn't give the specific details of every torture he did but he was honest that everything that is cruel and evil, Dean has done it. To men, to woman and to children. To the young and the old. To the sinful and innocent who just had a major stroke of bad luck and landed in Hell rather then Heaven. Dean has done it all. And he wasn't lying when he said he enjoyed it, but with so little of his humanity left how could he not?

He also told Sam about his relations to Alastair. Yes he hated the demon and wanted so badly to hurt him back, but as twisted as it was he also loved him as well. Followed after him, begged for his attention and earned the demons attention through his own sadistic cruelties.

Dean was carved into a new animal after all.

“Guess you can lay off the Ruby thing huh...” Sam said, trying to keep his voice light.

“That's why I got mad about you being with Ruby, because I made that mistake already and wanted to prevent you from doing the same.” Dean calmly said as he picked at the table slightly.

Dean told Sam that he didn't remember when Castiel came and got him. Just closing his eyes in Hell and feeling lighter for a second before the weight of guilt and confusion overtook him and he woke up in a box buried in the ground. He told Sam about what he saw when he finally managed to get out of the box. How his heart stopped for a second in awe and disbelief at the trees on the ground around the area like something big landed was placed over the area and just like that was gone. He figured now was that it was Castiel and his brethren who came to get him.

Dean explained his anger issues after Hell, and how he took care of it. Sam ended up getting that kicked puppy and understanding look despite how pale he was. Sam understood now why Dean had to leave the room. Dean explained that when he gets so mad like he did tonight it was like he had two different mindsets in him. One that was normal and then the other that made him think like he did in Hell. Made him think that for a second he was still there standing in front of a rack.

“I left Sam because I was so mad and I didn't want to hurt you anymore then what I did when I pushed you.” Dean explained, hoping the explanation was good enough.

Dean didn't let Sam say anything as he went on to explain how he was in Purgatory. How Dean gave way to that other side of him that was defined by Alastair. How Benny was impressed but didn't understand where Dean's killer instincts were coming from. Sam would understand now though, just like Cas does.

He told Sam everything about what it was like and tried to explain why he was the way he was now. Why he was so shut off sometimes, he didn't mean to be.

In the end they sat in silence for a good thirty minutes. Digesting everything Dean has just said and Dean felt guilty that he just unloaded all of this onto Sam. It wasn't fair to the kid, he had enough to deal with. Sam ended up saying something about needing a drink and left the hotel room. The sound of that door was louder then what it was. And Dean, Dean was alone with his own thoughts again.

He simply went to bed.

What else could he do? He opened up to Sam, told him everything. Gave Sam what he wanted and opened up to him. Trusted him with the inner workings that Dean keeps guarded and closed off from the rest of the world. From Sam up to this point.

The room was light when he finally woke up again. Sam's bed was untouched and Dean's heart fell and he was worried that something happened to his baby brother. The worst already flew through his mind as he scurried to his feet and dressed. Taking the colt and tucking it into his jacket and heading for the door to go find his brother.

Opening the door he was both shocked and relieved to see Sam was just about to put the key into the door looking honestly surprised that Dean opened the door.

Neither of them moved for a moment. At least until Sam decided to make the first move and practically crushed Dean in a tight and nearly unforgiving hug. Dean wouldn't admit to the relief he felt though, that his brother could still hug him after the awful things Dean has done and thought of since forever.

Sam who made the first move was also the first one to speak, Dean wasn't capable of it due to being crushed in a hug that refused to end, not that he was pushing Sam away for the moment.

“No more secrets Dean. None. Okay, I'll help you with things okay.” Sam grumbled, the kid sounded tired because he probably was up all night. Dean couldn't smell any alcohol on him, instead he smelt the odour of sweat. Sam obviously went for a run to vent things off. Dean found it hard to care for a moment, he'll bitch about it later.

“Okay...” Dean agreed, though it was muffled by Sam's shoulder. It would be hard for Dean, he knows it but given time he'll do it. A barely audible second okay followed, muffled by Sam's shoulder. And the second he agreed, it almost seemed like Sam became lighter if that was possible.

Maybe things would be okay after all.

Next up though was getting Kevin to forgive them, make the boy understand that things have to be done this way and then they can find a way to close up Hell. A final fuck you to Crowley.

Dean's mind travelled to Castiel, his one true friend. His best friend to a point that even Benny and everything he's been through with that vampire couldn't compare to.


End file.
